"Shoot or don't, just hurry up. I got sh*t to do."

Random thoughts are jangling about my head like loose change in a washing machine. I can barely hear myself think with the clinky racket of coin on metal rattling repeatedly through my skull. Perhaps is because of sleep deprivation, a serious disregard for my job, an ever present pressure to complete some school work prior to the arrival of my mother, or a combination of all three. No matter, this day won't pass fast enough for me, even though I have some work to do.

Like in Office Space, I've just spent the last hour having my eyes slowly glaze over as I gaze longingly at ESPN. Catching up on my sports news was top priority today. I hadn't even realized that the Pistons had beaten the Heat. Sadly, NBA fans around the world now have little reason to religiously tune into the Finals. Just how exciting can Spurs-Pistons really be.

Enough of the sports talk - it bores most folks and I have little more to say. Just too depressing when your favorite team is the Redskins. Next time someone tries to steal one of my ATV's...

There is this phenomenon that many know about, but more are starting to hear. I'm talking about ringtones. They're everywhere. Plus, unlike the shoddy types that I heard in the USA, the ringtones business has advanced with technology - it's now full MP3 audio - meaning the quality is up and you can put full length songs on your phone if you so desire. I happen to have one of these new-fangled high tech contraptions and I love it. I have tones from Outkast, 50 Cent, Friday (like every funny quote from the movie), House of Pain, Sir Mix-a-lot, Young MC, Beastie Boys, Skee-Low, and a variety of Eurotrashy club songs. I don't have complete songs for any except PIMP, but clips suffice. I constantly amuse myself by setting personality appropriate ring tones to people in my contact list. For example, Smooth Like Butta' gets PIMP, the Roving Alcoholic gets Girls by the Beastie Boys, and Real World gets something that Americans wouldn't get, but it's a clip from a Brit comedy show that is...well, let's just say that if she ever understood the joke she'd be mortally offended.

Anyway, there's one side cost of this trend and it's Crazy Frog. I had no problem with mobiles that ribbet or moo or oink when they're being rung. But Crazy Frog is so incredibly annoying it makes me want to get violent. Not only that, however, Crazy Frog recently topped the billboards at Number 1. Mind you, this is a fake song that someone made on their computer as a laugh that has now been converted into a full length track and is at the top of the international billboard. I think that for my next trick, I'm going to get a microphone for my laptop, repeatedly flatulate into it, remix it with a generic back beat and a few warbles, and then start my music empire. Surely that would be as successful as Captain Annoyance...

I'm getting increasingly fatigued with what I see around me. Most of my friends here in the UK are the type to look for a shag. I'm just not like that. I love to meet girls (well, love is too strong, I like to meet girls), but I'm just not after a quick romp in the sack and calling out "next" like an oafish receptionist at a government office. Call me traditional, but I actually like to talk to a woman - find out what she's all about, delve into her personality, establish a connection before I dive into the Shagatorium. Maybe I'm just old fashioned.

What I really wonder, though, is where are all the women that actually want that too? Maybe I just don't fit into what I see as the increasingly prominent direction that Europe is headed, but it truly seems like women here are much more interested in a quick shag than they are in the US. Or, if not solely after a quick shag, the presumption is that you shag immediately and develop a relationship if you're both interested later. To me, that's the cart before the horse. Not only that, however, it's not what I want. I want to meet a nice girl, go out together, get to know her, and then, if things are right, get together. But that's very un-European.

Another twist on this is what the Americans over here have dubbed "The Conversation". In the US, it appears (based on a variety of opinions) that we have to have the Conversation with a woman before we are officially together as a couple. The Brits and other Europeans are totally clueless about that. I guess the sense is that if you're with someone, you're with them. You don't need to talk about it. Me, I like to know my status. As I see it, there are three distinct phases:

1. Going Out: This could be between 1-3 dates. It's casual, you don't talk all the time, but have interest. Usually coupled with frequent, between the sheets panting sessions.

2. Seeing someone: After 3 dates but before 10 dates. This is an intermediate phase where both are interested but one party is holding back. Seeing someone is a 50-50 kind of deal because it often is based on coupling. They keep it going because of the frequency of mutually beneficial shags.

3. Dating: This is when it's official. Can be anytime after 3 dates. Usually occurs when people have a mutual attaction that is deeper than just physical.

My European friends have stated that the Conversation should never happen, but I think they're wrong. In fact, I think they couldn't be more wrong when they deal with Americans. Real World is a terrible example, so I'll leave her out of it, but generally, my feeling is that Americans want to know. Are we just shagging? Are we doing more? Do you expect this to go somewhere? Those are questions that could be asked, should be asked, given the incoherence of European dating views.

Maybe I'm just a prude.

I'll end this missive with one other observation that truly bothers me: the frequent number of people I've met over here that never want to get married. I've heard it from friends and people I am interested in - "Why get married? I don't need a church to prove that I love someone?" Uh, who said anything about a damn church? I was just asking about the concept of marriage. And why the hell is marriage about "proving" love? Smart people should not be so obtuse.

Then again, I guess George W. was right and marriage is under assault. I'll just lay down my opposition to everything that our erstwhile President supports to he can get to fixin' them anti-marriage folks the Texas way. Merci Y'all!