The Rrrradical Rrrrright Wing

Just when you thought the Radical Right's Fundies couldn't achieve a ranking beyond "criminally insane", two things come to my attention that propel the Fundies to "Full Blown Insanity". Like in Spaceballs, this has "gone from suck to blow."

First and foremost, a radical Christian group known as the American Family Association (AFA) is contemplating boycotting Ford Motor Company because of advertisements the company has in gay periodicals. Their wafer thin justification for this is that gays, "promote same-sex marriage" and that "supporting groups" in favor of same-sex marriage is "choosing sides in the cultural war." This is a curious description at best since, as far as I can tell, the act of purchasing a Ford does not in any way encourage one, gay or straight, to support, oppose, or in any way ponder the issue of gay marriage. Indeed, the only way this argument makes any sense (and I'm stretching the words "any sense" to the limit) is if the AFA seriously thinks that Ford pulling its adverts will cause the demise of gay periodicals like The Advocate. This argument rings of putressence, however, as that is never going to happen and the AFA knows it.

But, there's a whole 'nuther angle that bothers me in this and that's that the seemingly simple equation (gay = in favor of same-sex marriage) is absurdly stereotypical and, shockingly, flat wrong. I can immediately think of two friends that are gay, are out, and are in relationships that are strongly opposed to gay unions. But anecdotal analysis isn't really required. Common sense suggests that within any given group, there will be differences of opinion. Not only that, there's nary a mention of these "gay groups" advocating, supporting, or taking any position on gay marriage. I'd be shocked if The Advocate was not in favor of same-sex marriage, but then again, wouldn't you want to include that in the press release you issued if you were contemplating a boycott?

I suppose the bottom line is this: the Rrrradical Christian Minority is LYING when they say they have "no problem" with gays, they just oppose things like marriage, same-sex benefits, etc. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. These people believe that gays are unnatural and should never receive the same rights as all us "normal" people and groups like the AFA have no qualms with prosecuting their "war on gays" in any, despicable form. Mighty Christian of them....

...Speaking of Christian, Rrrradical Evangelical group Focus on the Family has a penchant to publish extremely conservative and obtuse paraphanalia that some people obviously absorb. Today's Focus on the Family Factophile (patent pending) features an article entitled, "How a Husband Should Handle His Wife's Submission," written by a best-selling bondage freak, ahem, I mean Christian, named Stormie Omartian (I couldn't have made up a better name if I tried). This article details a variety of helpful information and since I'm only a few months away from tying the knot myself, fortune has obviously shone on me in this moment for my greatest concern when dealing with my future wife's submission was how I should punish her if she didn't keep the house clean enough for me. But I digress.

Without further ado, the most valuable lessons from my new favorite source of S&M literature:

- Most women want to submit (even if they don't know it). This will be especially helpful for when my beautiful wife resists my demand that she stay "barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen". Fortunately, I'll know that her desire to stay an active, employed, and productive member of society is just a clever ploy to allow me to establish my dominance and manhood over her. Phew, women are tricky.

- The bible is full of snippets that justify and encourage female submission but warn that men should not belittle, be rude, or negative towards their submissive women. Instead, they should love them, as God's will is that women submit to men and that men treat women with respect and love. That's going to be especially useful for explaining to my wife that it's not just my desire to have her clean the house naked, but it's also God's desire and that as long as I'm respectful and caring, then God will nod his head and smugly approve of our decision.

- "Submission doesn't mean obey" which is the first clue to the average reader that there's a game in this whole S&M thing. So if my lovely wench doesn't do what I ask, I suppose I'll have to send her into the woods so that she can procure me a tree branch that I can beat her with. As long as it's a "loving" beating, then God will approve. After all, he put us on earth to keep them womenfolk in line!

- And last, if my wife doesn't submit and the beatings don't work, there's always prayer. As I'm not too handy with figuring out how to say things to the Lord Almighty, I'm ecstatic that this little "How To" article has provided me with a handy missive for those late nights when I'm exhausted from wailing on my wife's backside and I need a little sublime assistance from his Highness. Good thing it's numbered and isn't too long because I ain't too good with readin', writin', and 'rithmatic.

Please pray for your wife that:
1. She will understand what submission really is.
2. She will be able to submit in the way God wants her to.
3. You will be completely submitted to God.
4. She will trust God as He works in you.
5. You will take your position as spiritual leader.
6. She will trust you to be the head of the family.
7. Submission will not be a point of contention in your marriage.

Well now, I feel much more prepared for my impending marriage. Thank you Focus on the Family. I'll be sure to come back and look for spiritual and practical guidance in the future. With handy "FAQs" on how to have a good, Christian marriage, how could I stay away?