President Declares War on Christmas, Allocates $90 Trillion

Washington, DC (assinine news agency) - Citing a recent assault on Saint Nick in America's shopping malls, President George Bush declared a war on the warmongers that have declared a war on Christmas. Without going into specifics, the President said in an address to the nation last night, "America is under attack and this time it's not Al Queda. This time, it's our own people who want to hunt down Father Christmas and kill him once and for all. The enemy is hidden; we can't see him. But he's there all the same and we have to try to root him out. To find him. We have to fight. We have hard work to do. And that's why I'm declaring war. America's under attack and I'll defend our values, our freedom, and our radical religions (as long as they're Christian)."

The President went on to explain that recent classified intelligence reports demonstrate that there are elements active in the US that are fundamentally opposed to Christmas. These elements, "Anti-Christ Wackos" or ACWs, the President explained, have already succeeded in removing the words "Christmas" from most of the seasons advertisements out of "sensitivity" to other, "less meaningful" religious groups. When asked if he was offending Muslim, Jewish, or other religious faiths, the President responded, "Mus..what?"

Later, a press release from Vice President Dick Cheney's office stated that "under no circumstances" would intelligence information pertaining to the surveillance, capture, internment or prosecution of the "anti-Christ nutjobs" be released to the media, an odd statement given that, as of the moment, no one was asking. The Vice-President's office later conceded that top intelligence reports had been confirmed by British and Italian intelligence agencies.

Still, the President warned Americans to be vigilant. "You never know who is truly on the side of Christ. Your neighbor might put up Christmas ornaments, but even that could be a facade. Be wary. Be brave. Be watchful. Only by spying on our citizens will we overcome this latest and perhaps greatest challenge to America." Not all was pessimistic, however. The President also offered his full confidence that the war would be won. "It's either defeat or victory and I aim for victory because that's what victorius people do. They aim at victory."

When asked why $90 trillion was necessary to prosecute this latest "war" the President answered crossly, "Look, I'm not going to sit here and explain every last detail of our war plan. We need that money because we need to win the war. This is a serious threat, a serious enemy. And it's going to take a serious effort with serious money to fight it. But I'm up to the task. I'm a serious guy with a serious task ahead and I'm putting in at least 6 hours of work a day so that we can save Christmas from all those anti-christ-ians."

Even with the President's warning that the ACWs could be anywhere, the President at least gave a clue to where the war would be fought, "Well, I can tell you one thing, we're definitely going to start rooting out this 'evil within' in California. Definitely California. And Detroit."

Disgruntled secularism contributed to this report.