Utter Confusion

Well, today started off nice enough, but then my energy tapered down when I started reading about timber markets, marketing strategies, and other such nonsense.

At any rate, what I really want to talk about is something that´s been troubling me for quite some time: America´s lovefest with CSI:Miami.

We get a lot of CSI down here. We have the CBS international station (live primetime feeds nightly) and a variety of english language channels, two of which have different CSI franchises. So, on any given night, you can pretty much watch CSI. Last night, I watched Miami for probably the last time.

Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the CSI franchise, it´s about crime scene investigators and the different crimes they have to solve. So each episode makes for an interesting riddle and, since the creators are relatively clever, there isn´t a wuss ass legal side to ruin the show (like all of the Law and Order spinoffs).

Ahem, what I was speaking about above was CSI: Las Vegas. Because Vegas is clearly the best of the three and Miami is clearly the worst. I won´t go into Vegas or NY further. I like Vegas, NY is ok. There´s a little too much soap operish drama from time to time, but overall, Vegas is quality.

The same can not be said for Miami. The following is a list of it´s clear stupidities:

1. The acting is horrible. Look, anytime your lead actor is David Caruso, you´re in trouble. The guy has the talent of a B-movie supporting actor. B-movie porn fluffer, that is. To him, acting is akin to fixing a pose, declaring a one liner about as flatly as possible, and having the loud obnoxious music cut the scene. He´s the least believable actor on TV. But he´s not the only one. The rest of the cast has only one person who I would consider good (Emily Proctor) and one who has been so utterly emasculated by the writers that his talent completely useless (Rex Linn, the corrupt Treasury guy from Cliffhanger).

2. The characters are totally unlikeable. This one I just can´t understand. There´s not a single character on this show I don´t want to punch in the face (several deserve to be punched unconscious). I´ve already mentioned Caruso´s character (start the pummeling) but the other truly egregious figure is Adam Rodriguez´s character, who, the best I can tell, is actually intended to be an utter prick. At any rate, every time I watch the show, I see someone do something that merits an extended bout of fisticuffs. Not good karma.

3. The plots are so far off the reservation to make a 3 year old monkey be skeptical. Look, we just went through the following: The main character (Caruso) falls in love with the resident dick´s (Rodriguez) sister, sparking a huge personal conflict, the sister has cancer, but then recovers, then gets shot to death by a drug dealer out for revenge, only to have Caruso and Rodriguez go after said drug dealer, ultimately concluding with Caruso shooting and killing the drug dealer in front of the police station.

Not even Miami Vice would have tried to pull that off. Oh, and did I mention that Rodriguez got shot in the head, appeared to be heading off the show for good, only to be miraculously restored to health? Plus, the new blonde girl with a central role (Eva La Rue) not only can´t act, she also had a love interest with Rodriguez only to shift to another character, before being exposed as a low class ho´when her ex-con, ex-husband showed up, and he was killed off a few episodes later.

Whew. I´m out of breath now.

4. Apparently, in Miami, the CSI runs the investigation and always gets a confession. I never realized this before. I was pretty sure that CSI did the scientific investigation and gave the results to the detectives, who went after the bad guys.

Not in this world. In this world, the detectives are side-shows who do little more than hold guns and arrest the bad guys while the CSI guys stand around looking smug and saying, "I told you I´d catch you" (nananana boo boo!!!).

I was also pretty sure that no police force in the country had a 100% confession rate. Seriously, they need to get these guys down to Guantanamo or up to Homeland Security because they´ll not only wipe out crime, they´ll get air tight confessions from everyone.

Not only that, Caruso´s character quite literally saves the day every single time by shooting someone. It´s like the writers watched one too many Hunter episodes from the 80s and decided that having the lead man be a mass murderer was a great cornerstone for the show. Last night´s episode featured Caruso shooting a gas tank on a speeding tractor trailer filled with explosives, from 100 yards, exploding the truck, stopping terrorism, and killing the would be suicide bomber with one pull of the trigger. I guess Miami PD couldn´t spring for a Swat Team or something.

At any rate, what I can´t understand is why this show is so popular. It´s a formulaic show, with annoying music, unlikeable characters, bad acting, ridiculous soap operatic qualities, and so far divorced from reality that it´s grating to the senses. I´m apopletic about this.

My wife famously deems it "one of those stupid American shows" and she´s right. This show is one of the reasons why American culture stinks. Hollywood types keep putting up mindless crap and we keep gobbling it up. Well no more. Just like we are a "no Emmeril" house and a no "Fox (except for the Simpsons and Family Guy)" house, we are now a "no CSI Miami" house and NY had best be careful because the melodrama has started to escalate (even though I like that Sinise guy).

In conclusion, once again, flipping through the prime time schedule has confirmed that American TV still stinks. Fortunately, Dr. House is still going strong and Heroes (just started here) looks good. Plus, Lost is still an option if I can ever sit down and watch all the episodes in a row to catch up.

(And we should all hang our heads in shame that Dancing with the Stars has been the #1 rated show and is coming back for another season.)