Thursday, October 11, 2007

Turkey Condemns US Genocide of Native Americans

By Fake News Service (FNS)

Washington, DC – The United States ordered its ambassador to Turkey back to Washington for high level discussions following the Turkish Parliament’s decision to pass a resolution condemning the “Great American Genocide of Native Peoples,” a State Department official said today.

The ambassador was likely to stay in Washington for a week to 10 days for discussions with President Bush, Secretary of State Rice, and other senior government officials before heading to his next assignment in Tahiti. A leaked copy of the meeting agenda titled “Turkey: How to Slap them Upside the Head with a few cruise missiles and not incite the ire of NATO,” was obtained by the FNS although to date, the schedule only included 45 coffee breaks and state dinners with Eurobasket 07 champion Russia and the Texas oil investment group We Love Low Taxes on the Rich and Barbeque with Our Dear Friend George.

“The president is a huge, huge fan of CSKA Moscow and was totally delighted when Russia won the Eurobasket. We had to work that into the schedule and I think you’ll find that completely reasonable,” said the White House in a two sentence press release. When pressed about the Ambassador meetings, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow skirted the truth, “We are not withdrawing our ambassador. We have some very important questions to ask him and felt it was best to do so face to face. After that the President decided he could use a bit of a break from those nasty Turks and while he's in Tahiti, he can help us complete our Free Trade Agreement. Plus we hear he’s a devil with the fishing reel and the President has been dying to get him out to Camp David for a go at some bass.”

State Department spokesman Tom Casey denounced the Turkish Parliament’s resolution but maintained that the US sought to continue positive relations with the NATO ally.

“It’s ridiculous that Turkey would claim that we committed genocide against our native people. We here in the US have always stood for equality, justice, and inclusion. Racism, discrimination, genocide – these are things that other nations have done but for which we are innocent. I’m shocked really that the Turks would fail to witness the great generosity our forefathers showed in granting large tracts of land to the natives, land which has of late been proven to be particularly capable of storing our nuclear waste. That being said, the people of the United States have always felt a special kinship with the Turks even going as far as to throw several World Cup matches in order to boost their championship potential. It’s shocking and outrageous that they would repay us with a slap in the face like this.”

The US ambassador to Turkey, Ross Wilson of the Wilson sporting goods empire, invited the Turkish president to Washington for a game of dodgeball. “I think that if we all just got together and threw some Wilson dodgeballs around, we could sort this out. Plus, I’ve always wanted to paste one good on that old squint-eye. With a Wilson, of course.” Wilson conceded that he had expressed the “concern” of the United States to the Turkish president by slapping him across the face with his patented black leather dueling glove. “It’s also my best batting glove,” beamed the Ambassador as he held a long, yellow whiffle bat across his shoulder.

The US House of Representatives immediately responded by passing a resolution denouncing the Turkish resolution as unnecessarily political and “inaccurate”. House leaders, feeling that the resolution wasn’t strong enough, convened a surprised second session this afternoon and after extensive bickering between Democratic and Republican leaders, passed a follow-up resolution denying allegations of US genocide. The resolution footnoted the fact that in addition to land for natives, the US government also permitted tribal groups to have casinos which one Representative who wished to remain anonymous claimed, “more than paid in reparations whatever harm may be alleged, which I categorically deny ever occurred, by the way, and if did occur was totally justified as those primitives had all the sweet places to live already locked up. You're not recording are you?”

An unnamed senator from the North West took a “wide stance” on the issue. “Well, this is the sort of thing that happens when you send a God fearing nation like ours to bandy words and hold hands with god-less, dirty infidels. We should have nuked them bastards once it was proved we couldn’t bring them the word of God, then the Lord Almighty could have sorted them out proper himself.” When informed that the Turks were long term allies and a NATO member, the Senator replied, “How could they be allies? They worship pagan gods. The Lord doesn’t make allies with infidels and neither do we. They either convert or get some nukes up the ass.”

In an unrelated press conference, the US House of Representatives Special Master Bob Sanders, citing a “lack of demand”, announced that kabobs were no longer on the House cafeteria menu and that Baba Ganoush and hummus were also removed. He also noted that from now on "Turkish Delight" would only be sold under the name "Patriotic American Delights". Several staffers staged an afternoon sit in to protest the move but they were later seen filling out unemployment forms. In addition to not wearing the Congressional standard American flag lapel pin, one staffer stated that his boss had called him “un-American, un-patriotic, and a turban loving traitor.”

While events appeared to be spiraling out of control, some experts disagreed. “I don’t think this will go as far as some expect,” commented Ted Kaczynski, executive director of the Free Turkey Foundation, when reached at the home office in Florence, Colorado. “The truth is, Turkey is Europe’s gateway to the Middle East and it serves all parties to calm things down and move past this event. Failing that, I have the mailing address of the Turkish parliament in my rolodex. I'm just sayin'.”

Senior government level officials speaking on condition of anonymity stated that Vice President Cheney was ecstatic with the turn of events as “Turkey has so many high value targets we could strike.” The Vice President couldn’t be reached for comment as he was said to be secured in a “safe location”. His chief of staff did say, however, that the Vice President and Ambassador Wilson would be dining together and having a very long chat about “military matters.”

When reached by instant message, Turkish President Abdullah Gul stated that, “TheTurks didnt kill 1,500,000 Armenians!!!wtf!!! who gives a shit about Armenia, what the hell is an Armenian anyway?????, and I’m not saying that we did, but if we did (not), then that pales in comparison to what the Americans did to the Native peoples of North America. brb.” He also warned that any further discussion of “internal Turkish affairs,” would result in “serious consequences.”

“What business does the United States have in Turkey anyway,” he asked rhetorically. “We don’t even like your McKabobs and your coffee is a bit crap now isn’t it.”

The US embassy in Turkey urged Turks to be aware of violent reactions delivered by American cruise missiles and stealth bombers. Wilson said he regretted the warning and that it was supposed to go to American citizens and not the Turkish public. He also stated that, "the McKabob is unequivocably the greatest tasting fast food kabob in all of Turkey and if those damn Turks don't get that then we don't need 'em anyway."



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