John McCain fights Warshington and Washington Wins

In spirit of the most important factor in voter decision making, the following is a fictional account of what watching the Redskins beat on the Cardinals with John McCain might have been like:

Nobcentral (NC): Welcome Senator. I'm Nobcentral. Please, have a seat.

John McCain (JM): WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU WHIPPERSNAPPER???"

NC: What? I'm sitting down to watch the game.

JM: NO ONE SEES THE LEFT SIDE OF MY FACE YOU MORON!!!!! NOW TAKE YOUR PLACE ON MY RIGHT!

(Now sitting to JMs left.)

NC: Ok, ok. Don't lose it on me man.

JM: DON'T TELL ME TO RELAX!!! I WAS A POW!!! I GET TO CHOOSE WHICH SIDE I WANT TO SIT ON BECAUSE I MADE THE GREATEST SACRIFICE EVER FOR THIS GREAT NATION OF OURS!!!!

NC: Ok, sorry. Look, the game is about to start. You want to put a wager on the outcome? Say $5?

JM: See, this is the problem with America - the gambling culture...

(5 minutes pass)

...By the way, do you work in Wall Street?

NC: It's just 5 bucks.

JM: Just five bucks! Let me tell you, you young whippersnapper. Back in Vietnam...

(20 minutes later)

JM: ...And that's how I invented the Blackberry by voting for NAFTA and deregulating the banking sector.

NC: Uh, right. Look, I'm gonna order some food. You want Chinese or Pizza?

JM: WHAT KIND OF COCK-EYED SON OF A BITCH ARE YOU!!!!! I WAS A POW AND YOU'RE TRYING TO SERVE ME GOOK FOOD!!! DON'T YOU KNOW I GOT MY FILL WHILE BEING TORTURED BY THE RED CHINESE!!!! YOU BETTER ORDER THAT GODDAMN PIZZA YOU AMERICAN HATING COMMIE BASTARD!!!!

NC: ....(dumbfounded)....

JM: Besides, I only eat American food. So, how about pepperoni and onions?

NC: Pizza is from Italy.

JM: YOU GODDAMN LIBERALS AND YOUR REVISIONIST HISTORY!!!! PIZZA NEVER GAME FROM THE LAND OF MUSSOLINI!!!! PIZZA NEVER CAME FROM ITALY! IT'S 100% 'MERICAN!!!!! I WAS THERE WHEN IT WAS INVENTED BY A RED BLOODED AMERICAN YOU NEW COME JOHNNY ROBIN!!!!!

NC: Uh, ok then.

JM: So be a good fellow and call down to the local Pizza Shack.

NC: It's called Pizza Hut and I already ordered it with my Blackberry.

JM: Ah, let me tell you about how I invented this newfangled technology called WiFi and the Purpleberry...

(20 minutes later)

JM: So what's the score?

NC: It's right there on the screen.

JM: Well if you had a screen big enough to see I wouldn't have to ask.

NC: It's a 42" LCD and we're sitting like 5 feet away.

JM: THAT'S THE TROUBLE WITH YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS!!!! SPEAK ENGLISH!!! YOU THINK WE'RE IN RED CHINA???? OR CASTRO'S SPAIN???? OR CHAVEZ'S BRAZIL?

NC: What are you talking about man?

JM: LCD, DRG, GRE!!! ALL YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS TALK IN SOME FOREIGN JIVE THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!

NC: It's 17-10 now, Washington.

JM: WHAT!?!? *#*!!??!??#$**&!!@#!!! SEE THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH FIGHTING WARSHINGTON!!!! LOBBYISTS AND THE LIBERAL MEDIA!!! CAN'T YOU ALL SEE THAT THE FOOTBALL TEAM FROM ARIZONA IS BETTER THAN THIS!!!!!

(20 minutes later)

...and that's why I employ the nation's top lobbyists to manage my campaign. So what's the score anyway?

NC: 24-17 Redskins

JM: GOD DAMMIT!!!! SARAH! WHERE ARE YOU TUSH?

(Sarah Palin shows up.)

SP: Yes John?

GET THAT GOD OF YOURS, YEAH THE VEANGEFUL ONE, TO STRIKE DOWN THE HEADONISTIC REDSKINS!!!!! WE HAVE TO SHOW WARSHINGTON THAT WE'RE HERE TO FIGHT. ON CHRISTIAN SOLDIERS?

(30 minutes later)

NC: Look, I hate to be a bother, but the game finished 10 minutes ago and the Redskins won 24-17. So I think it's time for you to get a move on.

JM: #!$!??!?!?!?$$$%&&&***##$!

(10 minutes later)

...And I hope I can count on your vote. Remember, experience matters and that young, uppity negro doesn't have what it takes. SARAH! Get your hot buns out there and make sure my car is ready! After all, what else are you good for if you can't get my car? (snickering)