Tasty, Delicious, and Succulent

Some of you may have heard or read my descriptions of food excellence. I frequently use the terms “tasty,” “delicious,” and “succulent”. These terms are not mere words that I throw out there. Instead, they are part of a very specific system that has taken me years to develop. Most people don’t understand that there are two tiers to food excellence. I feel strongly about food so I’m here to educate.

The first tier is the tasty and delicious tier. To successfully achieve a top rating on Tier 1 and proceed to Tier 2, the dish must be both tasty and delicious. Be not deceived by cheap charlatans and imposters. Some food can be genuinely tasty, but not delicious. Others can be delicious, but not tasty. How can this be, oh adoring public? A quick look at the dictionary reveals all.

tast·y adj. tast·i·er, tast·i·est
Having a pleasing flavor; savory.

de·li·cious adj.
Highly pleasing or agreeable to the senses, especially of taste or smell.

And now we have it. Tasty refers to the flavor, delicious refers to the smell. See, great food has to satisfy all the senses, not just taste. Otherwise, it’s just good food, or even mediocre. Food can smell amazing, it can be delicious to eat, but not savory, not tasty. Or, it can be as tasty as can be, but not have interesting textures or complex flavors, thus failing the delicious test. So, if you want to pass the two pronged test, you will be sure to enjoy the look, feel, taste, and smell of the food.

For example, in the past, I occasionally ate lunch at a shop called Fuse Box. It’s a pan-Asian style place mostly focusing on Thai and Malaysian cuisine. The Thai Chicken wrap is definitely tasty, but it has no chance of being delicious. It simply doesn’t smell enticing. In fact, the whole shop smells like wet dog at all times. Which is probably why I haven't been back in awhile.

At any rate, after successfully passing muster on Tier 1, you then move to Tier 2: succulence. Tasty and delicious food is not always succulent. Burritos, for example, are certainly tasty and delicious, but could they be succulent? Highly unlikely (unless Iron Chef Morimoto is the one making the burrito). Let’s shed some light:

suc·cu·lent adj.
Full of juice or sap; juicy.
Botany. Having thick, fleshy, water-storing leaves or stems.
Highly interesting or enjoyable; delectable: a succulent bit of gossip.

The important word here is “delectable”. Food that enjoys succulence is so good that it surpasses just tasty, it surpasses delicious, no, it’s so good that it’s delectable. It reminds you of some place more enjoyable than wherever you happen to be. It carries you away from the doldrums of the office and out into the fields. It takes you to Happy Gilmore’s Happy Place. You get the idea. Not only does it satisfy all your senses, but it is interesting and enjoyable – delectable.

Is there a universal ideal that passes both Tiers, you ask? Certainly not, since everyone’s tastes are different. However, there are certain guidelines that I meagerly offer for your consumption:

1. Foods involving mayonnaise are never tasty, delicious, or succulent. Instead, they are nasty, gross, disgusting, and putrid.*
2. Foods involving ketchup may be tasty, but rarely come close to delicious and never, ever make it to succulent.
3. Vegetarian dishes follow rule number 2.
4. Foods involving Kostas and the Greek Deli have a better than even chance of satisfying both Tasty and Delicious tests, and on a rare day, may even be Succulent.
5. British food is neither tasty, delicious, nor succulent. Instead, it’s often mediocre, poor, or generic.
6. Sandwiches and other foods you eat with your hands rarely are tasty, sometimes are delicious, but are never succulent.* (Ribs excluded)
7. Sushi and other cold foods, while certainly tasty and delicious, would have a hard time achieving succulence because they’re cold. These rules are hot food centric.
8. Lamb has the inside track to tasty, delicious, and succulence followed by pig, cow, and finally poultry. And lambs have the added bonus of being cute which offends all the vegetarians around you (Nelson says, “ha, ha”).

Now that everyone has a keen awareness of how the Tasty, Delicious, and Succulent system operates the path should be clear before you. Print out this guideline. Keep it with you always. When you have food that seems to meet the tests, refer back to this handy guide and you will never be in doubt. Then, when you recommend restaurants to your friends, you can say (snootily with nose firmly planted in air), “Yes, it was tasty, and it was delicious, but for $150 it should have been succulent as well. So I would not recommend The Oceannaire unless it’s Restaurant Week and you can get the food for cheap.”

Or, alternatively, you can disregard my rating system and continue rudderless through your culinary adventures.

*There is, I must humbly confess, one exception to the mayonnaise and sandwhich rules. Shamefully, I found myself enjoying "the best sandwich in the UK" after having ordered it with "everything" knowing that there would be some mayo involved. My only defense, as I hang my head low, is that the mishmash of things they combine (hummus, mayo, hot sauce, lemon juice, mint leaves, and taziki sauce - I think) creates an unusual medley of flavors that, when combined with the chicken far exceeds the bare litmus test of tasty and delicious to the point that I have almost declared a Fatwah of succulence on said sandwich. If I continue to eat there once a week, it's almost inevitable that succulence will be achieved, a feat I thought impossible in a mere sandwich. As a final note, I could have the worst job on the planet and I would still want to keep it just because it's close to this incredibly fine sandwich shop (Halal, Lebanese style - but oh so much more than that).