Install This

As I was rudely awoken at 9 am this morning for some "mirror installation", I'm awake (for the moment) and thought that I would use this moment for the greater good. See, since I moved in here, I've been watching a lot of movies. Partly because I've been a bit ill and partly because Eurotrash has a ton of movies. But, as is clear, not all movies are created equal and here's my bit to spare the three people that read this post the suffering I've endured at the hands of mindless Hollywood masters:

Solaris, starring George Clooney: If your kind of film is one that routinely makes you yawn, then this movie is for you. If your kind of film is one that has you ask actively, "I wonder how much longer this is going to go on," or "If this finishes in the the next 10 minutes I can still catch the last half hour of Miami Vice," then this movie is for you. If your kind of film is one that has plot "twists" so idiotic that you don't even care to work out the logic behind them, then this is your kind of film. For me, however, I'm just going to put the whole thing behind me and act like it never happened.

Paycheck, starring Ben Affleck and Uma Thurman: Any movie based off of a Philip Dick short story can't be too bad and this is no exception. Sadly, Ben Affleck is the star. Here's wishing that we return to the Ben Affleck in Dogma and Rounders era. You know, the co-star one, not the leading man one. It's not that Affleck is bad in this film, it's that no matter what happens in his life, he's still going to be the guy that was engaged to Jenny from the Block before she went back to insano Marc Anthony. Even beyond that, Paycheck is just a little...unrefined. Unlike Minority Report, it's rough around the edges and it involves Affleck. Watchable, especially after viewing Solaris, but not really what I'd term a good film.

Spiderman 2, starring Toby Maguire: After all the good will generated with the first film, I had high hopes for this one. Sadly, this movie licks a dog's ass. In fact, there's no way to describe it without being truly crass. Anytime you have a superhero: a) losing his powers, b) getting all mushy and sappy about his love interest, and c) getting his powers back instantly through the simple power of his mind, you have a problem. Let's just get this straight: people watch Comic Book movies because they LIKE SUPERPOWERS. I thought we learned that lesson with Superman 4 (I think that's the one), but apparently not. Also, it doesn't help that the "bad guy", in yet another idea that seemed good on paper ala the Penguin in Batman 2, came across as a little more than a bad joke who should have posed little, if any threat to the real Spiderman. Of course, since Maguire is a lilly white, skinny ass, fool....

Anyway, this brings up an important point about superhero movies - the sequels always suck. I have a theory about this one and it's predicated on an argument that I will hear no dissent with: the greatest superhero movies of the last two decades if not all time have been X-man and X2. X2 is probably the only superhero movie (with the exception of Superman 2 and that's only because the original Superman blew chunks) that was better than the original. My theory is that individual superhero movies (Batman, Spiderman, Blade) are usually great because everything is new. You learn how they got their powers, they have their first use of their powers, and they knock heads for the first time. By the second movie, producers think flinging webs and whatnot are droll and the only new source of power is from the bad guys which often turn out to be great ideas on paper but horrible on the screen.

X2 was totally different, however, because it introduced a series of new characters with totally new powers. The series could really continue for two more movies with success because of that simple fact. Of course, there's also that little known Hollywood law that states: every subsequent film in a series has an exponential chances of sucking worse than the original. See the Star Wars movies after Empire for evidence of that.

Blade Trinity, starring Wesley Snipes: Case in point. Blade was awesome. Blade 2 was pathetic and just barely good enough to watch once in a while. It's certainly not worth showing 9 times in a weekend as one such network is famous for doing. (What was TNT thinking? Did they just want to ensure that the entire adult population of the US had to sit through that battle scene at the end?) I was saddened by Blade 2, but I'm putting Blade 3 into the "does not really exist" category. I'm fairly sure that Snipes mailed this in before he even read the script. There's not one moment in the film where he tries to act. He gets a mulligan, however, as you can't blame him. Everyone else, however, has no excuses. Here's hoping no one from that movie ever stars in anything else, aside from Jessica Biel who clearly needs to go straight to Cinemax and stay there. The only exception is Ryan Reynolds who was hysterical, most likely because compared to how bad this movie was, any comic relief was going to look hysterical.

In the end, I'll never understand how the writers thought this was a good idea: In the first two, the vampires are strong and fast. There's a scene in Blade where the human woman is trying to shoot a vampire with a shotgun but it moves so fast that she keeps missing. Now, suddenly, a band of humans equipped with little more than a few gadgets, some kung fu, and bad language are able to kick vampire ass. Huh?

Ocean's Twelve, ensemble cast: Just watch the first one again.

Head of State, Chris Rock and Bernie Mac: Any movie that features Chris Rock running for President is worth a watch, but I wish this one wasn't so stupid. I can deal with some level of stupidity, but really, at the least, let's try to get one thing straight: if JFK couldn't pick his brother to be the VP, then Rock can't take Mac to be his VP. Aside from that (and a few other nitpicky things), this movie was highly watchable, occasionally hysterical, and mostly unobjectionable. Don't expect a Bullworth, though. Rock just ain't got the juice anymore and his rants about poverty ring hollow.

For those of you that made it this far, I saved the best for last.

The Incredibles: If you haven't seen the Incredibles, you must. It's an amazing movie. The characters are awesome, the plot is great, and it has genuine "rooting for the characters" moments where your heart quickens, you smile when they do good things, and you worry when they're in trouble. Oh yeah, and did I mention that it's little more than a cartoon on steroids? I seriously enjoyed this movie. It's clearly one of the best films out of Hollywood in years and once again is proving Pixar's dominance over the bloated Disney empire. I would suggest that they make a sequel except for the rule discussed above, so I'll just enjoy this one and hope that Pixar continues to be a pioneer.