Watching Bad Movies so that you don't have to

Spiderman 3: Finally caught this on HBO last week. It's official. The Spiderman franchise is dead. They may still make a few more movies because the box office receipts were good, but this movie was godawful bad.

I never liked the whole Harry hated Peter but both Peter and Harry love Mary Jane plotline. Not only is the acting just not good enough to support something like that (the guy who plays Harry should never act in Hollywood again) but Mary Jane is not particularly attractive or interesting as a character. Not only that, it's a frickin' COMIC BOOK movie! Who the hell wants a love triangle like that in a comic book movie?

So, I was a bit disappointed that the writers went with that plotline to start the movie. Then I got real confused because it seemed like they added two more plotlines, almost as if they knew that the Harry story would piss everyone off, except both of the new plotlines could easily have been stand alone movies by themselves so combining the 3 meant that they had to pay lip service to each one.

So, in sum, you have 3 crappy movies packed into one, extra long crappy movie that only has a few moments of redeeming action, which would never be sufficient to put up with watching the entire movie. This gets 5 crappulas.

Apocalypto: The only redeeming value of this movie is that now that I've seen it, I'll immediately recognize it any time I'm flipping channels and that recognition will save me 3 milliseconds in that I'll be able to immediately skip to the next channel without having to wonder what is on. I'd rather watch Starship Troopers twice...in a row...than ever watch Apocalypto again.

Hancock: Hey, here's an idea - Take a cool, new take on the action hero genre, make half a movie, and then start smoking crack right before you write the second half of the script. You'll end up with something like Hancock. Good enough to watch once, not offensive in any particular way, just got stupid at the halfway mark and on.