On Dating and Other Absurdities, September 30, 2004

If women ever wonder why men seem to hang out together at bars and pubs, they should know they’re the cause. Don’t complain if a group of guys is sitting around having a few pints. To single men, the pub is therapy. A single guy can meet another single guy and be instant friends because they both have something in common, a deeply frustrating relationship with the opposite sex. To really explain this, I have to locate myself in the continuous battle of the sexes.

I’m completely frustrated with meeting women, and I think most single men feel the same way. I meet girls all the time that flirt with you, hold your hand, and touch your knee, that type of stuff only to find out 30 minutes later that they’re in a long term relationship. I see this as a huge waste of time. But of course, this highlights one of the critical differences between men and women.

Men see flirting as a necessary evil. It’s not something that we want to do. When it comes down to it, half of men flirt because they’re horny, half flirt because they have to, and the other half do because they’re gay and don’t give a fuck.[1] Seriously, men flirt because they’re either looking to hook up or because they want to meet a nice girl. They DON’T flirt because it’s fun.

I mention that because the more I think about it, the more I realize that women actually think flirting is fun. Women have all sorts of curious perversions, but this might be the most acute of them all. The fact that a beautiful woman can flirt for 30 minutes in a relatively intimate way without a thought of what that’s doing to the single guy that’s either A) trying to get in her pants, B) trying to get her phone number, or C) Both, speaks to the true evilness of all women everywhere. Do women not understand what this does to a man? All we’re ever looking for is small successes in the hopes that those small successes can lead to the ultimate goal – companionship. When women play with men’s minds by shamelessly flirting without EVER intending on backing up that flirtatiousness it sends men into fits because we never understand what just happened.[2]

This is just the tip of the iceberg, though. Women also seem to think that dating is fun. Of course they would, women never have to do the work. Oh sure, ask any woman and she’ll go on and on about how she had to do her hair and makeup and how she worried about the right outfit, etc. etc. etc. That’s all cosmetic bullshit. The reality is, men have to approach women, men have to ask for the digits, men have to call, men have to pick the girl up, and then men have to PAY[3] – which is the most important part. OF COURSE women think dating is fun. They get treated like something special just because they were kind enough to go out with one of us. On the other hand, men are just trying to get through the night without farting and belching with the small hopes of getting a good night kiss and a second date all the while wondering if they brought enough cash or if they’re gonna have to whip out the credit card that already has too many charges on it.

Not only that, women who say dating is fun are the worst kind of revisionists. Dating is like picking apples. If you go to an orchard and do some apple picking and you happen to find one particular apple that is tasty and delicious, afterwards you’ll look back and say stupid shit like, “Apple picking was fun, we should do that again.” The rewards might have been sweet, but there ain’t no way that picking apples off a tree is “fun”. That’s just revisionist bullshit from someone who was fortunate enough to find a nice apple. Picking apples is, like President Bush likes to say, hard work. And this is my point. The women who say dating is “fun” are also the women that are NOT habitual daters. No, instead, they find themselves entangled in thorny, long term relationships. If they were truly honest with themselves, they would see that the only times they were habitually single were unhappy and frustrating times.

On rare occasion, a man will meet a woman who is actually single, cute, and interesting and she will ask him for his number. But don’t be deceived. Women are wily. Just because she asked for your number doesn’t mean that she will call you. No, no, no. I’ve made that mistake and I won’t again. Outrageously, women that ask for your number still expect you to do the calling. Not only that, there’s a window of time that you can call. If you call too soon, then you’re an overly desperate chump who won’t ever get a date. If you call too late, then you didn’t really care about the girl in the first place so you won’t get a date. This system wouldn’t be such a big deal because it is somewhat transparent, with one notable exception – There is NO universal timeline. Too soon to some girls could be 3 days, to others that could be too late.

I’m not breaking new ground here. Anyone who saw Swingers knows that it’s the defining movie of my generation[4] for a reason. Hollywood sometimes can’t see the forest from the trees and this time, they vastly underestimated how deeply this film would connect with the American male audience. Swingers depicts several aspiring actors all desperately trying to make it in Hollywood while at the same time trying to meet “the one”.[5] The lead character is named Mike (or Mikey depending on how drunk Vince Vaughn is) and he’s an overly pathetic type who just can’t seem to get over a long term relationship that ended six months prior.[6] While his friends are having a good time living life, going drinking, playing playstation, and generally carousing about town, Mikey is withering on the vine. The movie basically involves a series of events where his friends are trying to cheer him up.

One famously hilarious scene occurs when Vaughn and one of the buddies espouse the merits of keeping a girl on the hook before you call her. They argue that three days is too soon because it shows you’re desperate. Four days is too predictable and five days is too long. So, when Mikey asks how many days they’re going to wait, they reply, in unison, “seven days”. See, that’s the genius of it. Even with a well argued and defined system, there’s still no right number of days you should wait to call a girl. The reason is clearly because getting numbers and calling girls is a crappy way to meet the right person. I mean, how much can you really know about someone when it’s loud as fuck, you’re half drunk, and you’re desperately trying to remember her name, not to mention what the hell she’s jabbering on about in your half-deaf ear.

Ultimately, the movie has one of the greatest endings of all time. Mikey finally meets a girl[7] who he hits it off with. At the same time, his former girlfriend, who has now broken up with her lawn care boyfriend[8], calls and wants to get back together. Beautifully, Mikey brushes her off because he has Heather Fucking Graham on the other line, which is clearly no contest. In the last scene, he sits down with Vaughn to explain why he blew off the ex. Vaughn, however, is not paying any attention because he thinks he’s “vibing” with a girl two booths away “in a really weird way”. Turns out, she had a baby in the other seat and she wasn’t paying attention to Vaughn at all, which was just deserts since he wasn’t listening to what Mikey had to say in the first place.

Anyway, at the end, Vaughn asks Mikey, “You’ve been pining for this girl for months and months and when she finally calls, you hang up on her? Why would you do that?” But Mikey doesn’t tell him. He lost his chance when he was “vibing”. And that’s it. Movie over.

Since the first time I saw that movie, I wondered what Mikey was going to say. I never figured it out until it happened to me. And that’s life. Some things are truly experiential. And this is certainly one of them. The point, however, is that no matter how badly Mikey wanted his ex back, Heather Graham is hot. Oh wait, no that’s not what he was going to say at all. I mean, what he was going to say was that no matter how much he missed his ex, how could he possibly get back together with someone who treated him with such fundamental disrespect, who hurt him so deeply, who went out with the lawn mower man especially when he met someone new and interesting and simply fresh?

See, that’s the beautiful thing about life. You fall in love, you’re happy; you have exactly what you want. Then, after 3 years, she leaves, your life falls to pieces, you spend 16 months trying to heal up all the while she’s in a serious relationship again and you keep hearing about her from your friends and associates. While on the one hand you want her back, on the other, she’s not the person you thought she was, because how could someone who loves you that deeply hurt you that severely? You have to move on. So, when you meet someone new[9], even if nothing comes of it, you know that person has not tossed you aside like garbage after professing an undying and unending love for you. It’s not only safer, it’s more respectful. There’s virtually nothing respectful about being dumped.

Which really brings us back to my point. Mikey met his Heather Graham by being a great swinger dancer (hence the name of the movie). But what about the rest of us blokes? How do we meet our Heather Graham’s? Everyone I know that is in a serious relationship met their mate through work or school. I don’t know if I’ve ever met someone who met in a bar or club and actually hit it off. It just doesn’t seem to happen. So, if the odds are so skewed against it, why do we still do it? It’s not just men, either. Clubs and bars are filled with both men and women looking to not just get some action, but also meet someone nice. Yet, week after week, day after day, we go home single and unhappy. Certainly there’s a better way?

[1] George Bush math.

[2] At least not until 6 hours later after passing out and waking up realizing that you won’t be able to sleep again because you’re hungover.

[3] Prototype’s excluded.

[4] And probably every generation.

[5] I’ll ignore for the moment that there is no such thing.

[6] I say pathetic as in “normal”.

[7] Who turns out to be Heather Graham! Dumb fucking luck!

[8] Don’t we all wish that our ex’s would go out with the lawn care man? At least we could be satisfied that they replaced us with total losers.

[9] I was holding out for Heather Graham, but the Prototype is acceptable.