What I want

My Mother, ahem, sister (family joke, ha ha) gave me a book for my birthday about dating and things of that nature. It's a very thought provoking book because it speaks to philosophy or attitude as much as to practicalities. I've been reading it quite quickly, I'm almost done with it and I think I have learned some things. At the very least, the book has confirmed some things I had been thinking of anyway and it has sparked new thoughts as well. All in all, a good read.

Anyway, after reading the book and after last night, I think I'm shifting my attitude toward the fairer sex - or, my interest in the fairer sex. See, the main point, the central argument featured in this book is that dating should be an end in of itself. It shouldn't be about what you can get by dating (love, relationships, etc), it should be about the moment that you spend with someone, what you learn from them, and what you learn about yourself. I think regular readers of this space can clearly identify that I have not always acted or thought like that, so it's certainly a challenge. But the argument is quite strong and I know that there is some truth there. Even though I have some reluctance to buy in (because dating has been traditionally more frustrating than enjoyable for me), I know that change comes to us all and sometimes in ways that are distinctly uncomfortable.

Why am I talking about this and what did I mean about "last night"? Well, I've gone out with Miss Colombia several times now, getting to know her, seeing some possibilities. We went to a party on Friday night and had a great time. But, there have been several huge red flags thrown up, flags that became clear during my reading of the previously mentioned book. And last night seemed to crystallize things a bit. For some unknown reason, Miss Colombia told me she was "very angry" with me because of how I acted and that she could be friends with me but nothing more. This is at a club, mind you. I asked her what she was talking about. She wouldn't tell me. I told her that I can't read her mind and if I did something she should tell me since she brought it up. She wouldn't tell me.

Now, I'm a reflexive guy. If someone says, "you did this and that was wrong" I'll think about it and either apologize or defend my behavior. But this time, I know with 100% certainty that I did absolutely nothing wrong. I thought about it, I analyzed my actions, and I came to the conclusion that there is nothing that she could be angry at me for. I have theories about what's going on behind the scenes (and I'm not going into that here), but the actual incident isn't the point. The point is, I met a nice girl, went out a few times, and then, in the middle of a night out, she tells me something like that, won't tell me anymore, and expected me to just carry on and have a good time? Now I'm angry at her. And I didn't have a good time after that. I ended up going home early.

Mostly, I'm disappointed in her. Up to that point, she had shown an ability to communicate even though it was difficult. But she really let me down. If she had said, "I like you, but I just want to be friends" in an appropriate setting, that may have been disappointing, but I would not have been angry about it. But to cast me as a criminal without detailing the charges in that manner is ultimately disrespectful and I'm not having that.

I may see her again, I don't know. That's up to her. But I'd have to say at this point I would be extremely reluctant to see her in any capacity other than friendship. I was already thinking that she didn't need a relationship right now (and nor do I), so I was conflicted about how to continue seeing her anyway. This just fills in the blanks for me.

One of the other strong arguments that this book I'm reading makes is that people shouldn't be in relationships unless they are whole, healthy people. I know I'm not all the way there yet, but I'm much farther than Miss Colombia. There are several labels the author uses to describe character faults and she fits several of those labels to a tee (People Pleaser, for example). This is not to say she did (does) not have the potential to be someone of significance to me or another, but until she sorts that out, I won't want to be with her.

Anyway, all of this ties into the bigger picture which is deciding what I want and going after it. I made the decision to come to London and go to school because I always wanted to live in Europe and it was time to set myself on a career path that would be right for me. That choice has really paid off as I love school, I'm on a career path that just fits me, and I'm enjoying my time in London. But there are many other choices I need to make and that includes how I want to fill my time away from work/school, where I want to go next, and who I want to be. I think I have answers to most if not all of these questions, but to be perfectly honest, much like before I moved to London, I have been too afraid to make choices and become the person I want to be.

But, I was talking to a former co-worker from the States yesterday and she reminded me of something important, something that motivated my journey abroad, and something I have mostly ignored. She lived over here for a time on a BUNAC visa (most likely what I'll do in October). But instead of just working and whatnot, she worked for a time, generated some savings, and traveled all over Europe. Her mission, if you will, was to see as much as she could see and do as much as she could do.

And here's the cincher, I have friends and associates that always want to go to clubs and things of that nature. But for me (and maybe for them) that's a dollar for dollar tradeoff between travel opportunity and a night out. I understand why I did that when I first arrived. I was in London, making new friends, and having a good time. But at this point, I couldn't give two sh*ts about Ministry of Sound, even if it is the biggest club in Europe, for example. Instead, I want to see castles, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, Rome, Budapest, Prague, the Mediterranean, etc, etc, etc. I have allowed my desire to be social and my interest in dating to corrupt my mission.

I don't want a relationship. Not now, maybe later. I'll be happy to date casually, but even that incurs costs that ultimately tradeoff with what I want to do. So if I meet a nice girl, yeah, I'd like to see her and see what happens. But at this point, that's lower on the hierarchy than it was previously. Instead, it works like this:

1. School
2. Travel
3. Social life

Speaking of which, I have a paper due tomorrow that I need to get cracking on.

PS - Thanks Nadia for bringing me a massive quantity of strong American migraine medicine. The Brit medicine does nothing for me.