Life in the Gulag

This morning, at approximately 7:15, a planned fire alarm went off. This was a staged event by the Warden who runs the house - he had warned us there would be an early morning drill and "meeting". Before I proceed with the absurd details of said event, let me describe the Troll that runs the house.

Bryan, the Warden, is about 6 feet tall, balding, with little gray stubble puffs on the sides and back of his bulbous head. He, of course, makes up for what he doesn't have on top with a craggy gray beard that looks unkempt - I think there may be pork chop remnants in there somewhere. Filling out his face are clamshell ears that are remind me of satellite dishes constantly on the hunt for a signal from the mother ship. Lower, he has a giant protrusion of a belly that would make Fat Bastard proud. Think Shrek if you sucked out the green color. Adolph, as he's known around the house, has several annoying tendencies, one of which is his penchant to always smile and laugh while delivering threats and warnings - which, since he dispenses threats and warnings all the time, means that he's always walking around laughing and smiling.

Don't believe me? Here are a few examples:

- Once, he entered a 3-person room for "inspection" without notice, found it unkempt, typed up a letter that stated that if they did not have the room clean the next day, he would evict all three tenants. I was there when he handed the letter to one of the tenants and he was as cheerful as a horse put out to stud.

- Once, when I had friends coming to visit over the Christmas holidays, he cheerfully informed me that they could stay there, only to send my friend an email stating they could not stay because they were not a married couple and it was a "Christian" house.

- And the piece dé resistance, something I have not mentioned to anyone over here because it was told to me in confidence relates to my friend Justin. My friend is gay, his boyfriend lives in the house, and Justin applied to get a single room there. It was cheaper than what he had previously and he applied prior to his boyfriend moving in. The warden told Justin at the time of his application that he would be sure to have a spot in a month or two when something opened up (usually because someone would get kicked out for some illusive rule violation). After Justin's boyfriend moved in, Justin started hanging out at the house a lot - in the kitchens and common areas. He never broke a single rule and he always signed in and out. One day, Justin and his boyfriend were watching TV in the common room with another friend who lived in the house. In walks the Warden, marches right up to Justin, and says, "It's not right that you two are together all the time. It's not natural." They bandy words, long story short, Justin hasn't been back and his application was rejected.

A couple things about this stand out:

1. The Warden said his application was rejected because they only allow 3 people from each nation to stay at the house. That's a lie. There have been 4 Americans for quite some time (one of which was moving out and Justin could have taken his spot), not to mention at least 4 Koreans the entire time I've lived there. But lying is nothing new to Shrek.

2. Half the house is gay. To make a statement like that is not only discriminatory, but it's in clear ignorance of what is going on around him.

3. It's mighty Christian to call out someone for being gay, in front of other people, and then essentially ban him from your house because of his biological, immutable characteristic. But hey, what else is new from Captain F*ckstick?

Anyway, back to the story of the day: the fire drill. He had one previously, probably last fall, I can't really remember. It was on a Sunday and in the afternoon. Most people were there, but obviously some were not. This time around, I get the sense that he wanted to do it at 7:15 because he figured most people would be there at that time. He was right.

However, if he thought he A) had anything important to say or B) had anyone's attention, he's dead wrong. Instead, everyone grumbled (especially the French guy who actually used the word "Nazi", clearly making my day) and no one paid him any attention. He concluded his little "chat" with a rules refresher, another lie about the law here (something I'm going to track down this morning, print out relevant sections, highlight, photocopy, and distribute around the house), and laughed about us being mad because he woke us up at 7:15.

If they're ever a way to completely alienate yourself from an audience, this guy is a pro. Way to go.

Now, for my next trick, I'm going to spend the next hour re-reading various housing acts to find out exactly what our legal standing is, who we can report him to, and how I can make his life miserable. I want this man fired and on the street. I want his body consuming his own fat ridden flesh as he slowly starves from not getting enough spare change from whatever street corner he's begging at. I want this man institutionalized in a crap hole where his everyday life is corrupted by a Gulag Chief of his caliber. I want this man to live one year of his life in living conditions that are exactly as miserable as mine are right now. I sentence him to living with himself. Then again, maybe I'll just go have another coffee.