Not Bad, Abominations, and The Stinking French

One of the joys of dating a non-native English speaker is that there are tons of expressions that we "Americans" (gringo's) use that simply don't make sense when translated; they only make sense in context. One of these expressions, one that I use frequently, is "not bad". "Not bad" can have many uses. For example, when you feel like the dog's ass and someone asks you how you feel, you can say "not bad" to mean well, I don't feel like a dirty dog's ass, but I don't feel great either. Alternatively, you can use "not bad" to mean, "pretty good". It's a multi-directional phrase that fundamentally relies on context, not meaning.

Anyway, Ms. Colombia and I have frequent interactions where she asks me about words and phrases like that and I've begun to realize just how difficult learning English must be. A really cool development is that I know her well enough at this point to know when she gets it and when she doesn't. So, in conversation, which can be quite animating for me depending on the topic, I have to pay close attention to her reactions and I have to talk a bit slower and clearer than normal - things I need to do anyway. So really, this is just a big win-win for many reasons and I'm just pleased as pudding about the whole thing.

At any rate, I stumbled upon a music station on the TV this morning. It offended me to such an extent that I was forced to turn it off and blast Dr. Dre though my laptop. See, the Brits, like many cultures, are attempting to replicate Rap Music. Sadly, the Brit version is...well, it's scary how silly it sounds. For example, here's a choice set of lyrics that filtered through my ears earlier:

"Talk behind ma back but to ma face they say nuffin/
Stand up in the dark keep a firm steady stance/
Keep the beanys tushin, keep the beanys hot flushin./
Flushing mc's down the loo/
If ya dont beileve me bring your possy bring your crew/
Feel free to hate i aint tryna be your mate"

I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart I apologize. You simply can't rhyme "loo" with "crew". And I won't even attempt to decipher the line about "beanys". Later, he rhymed "chump" with "Forrest Gump". All of this wouldn't be so bad except for one factor: the accent. It just sounds silly. Part of the whole "mean ass rapper" sound is that the audience takes them seriously. You wouldn't want to run across Dr. Dre or Xhibit in a dark alley somewhere. Sadly, there's just no way to use the word "loo" and sound tough.

Part of this attitude I have is reflective of my origin. It's a virtual certainty that people from the States will never come to like Brit Rap because of the accents. But part of it is also reflective of British culture. "Hard" here is just not as "hard" as it is in East LA, for example. The gangsta's here just don't have the guns, the violence isn't as pronounced, and crime, while still a factor, is much more in the "petty" category than the "drive by" category. Thus, it's unlikely that the Brits will ever produce a 50 Cent or an Eminem. Some may see that as a net good for the world and I won't argue the point. What it means for the purposes of this discussion, however, is that Brit rap is likely to continue to be extremely silly. I don't think I'll ever take it seriously.

Finally, the dirty French. I've not held much of a grudge against the French. I have yet to visit the country and I'll reserve final judgement until I do. Also, I'm told that Parisians are vastly different from the rest of the country, so that's another factor. However, I'm acutely aware of French politics on the international stage and I have little respect for them. Well, no, that's not entirely accurate. I have respect for them in the Machiavellian sense. The French, for better or worse, are ultimately realists. They couch their foreign policy stance as one of multilateralism - everyone should work together to help the poor, minimize conflicts, etc. At least, that's the party line. The French are notoriously reluctant to act in real situations. Rwanda is a good example. A former French colony, the genocidal conflict of 1994 can be directly linked to the French exodus in the 50's. Yet, when push came to shove, the French, while acknowledging their obligations, engaged in extremely cursory activities in Southern Rwanda at the tail end of the conflict, ultimately helping very few people yet garnering some international respect for "acting". Anyway, they're realists because their entire multilateral stance is predicated on the notion that if they can draw the US into binding multilateral institutions, it will restrict US power and bring it closer into balance with French "power" (a true oxymoron).

But, that's not what this rant is about. This rant is about visa policies. Visa's and immigration restrictions exist primarily for one reason: to prevent an unknown number of immigrants from permanently inhabiting a country. More recently, terrorism and security concerns (drugs) have seized some of the motivation, but fundamentally, immigration restrictions are about preserving the integrity of one's country. This is especially true for the French. They have an official French language (and an agency that seeks to preserve it), they have cultural restrictions for immigrants and tons of silly policies aimed at preserving the essence of "French" (you know, things like not allowing the sale of deoderant).

I'm usually not so bothered by all that. I mean, it's a free country; they can do whatever they want really even if it is a net drain on their resources and a losing battle. But, I'm quite angry at the moment because of the absolute hassle they gave Ms. Colombia on Thurday. See, Colombian's don't have the luxury that we North Americano's do. We can go to virtually any country in the world for a limited time on a tourist visa. Colombian's, along with several other countries, have to acquire something called a Schengen Visa. This visa is a pre-approved document that allows the applicant to travel thoughout the EU for a limited period of time.

Ms. Colombia had to apply for one because she is going to Europe in September for work. To acquire one of these visas, she had to purchase a plane ticket, reserve a hotel, prove that she had enough money to afford the trip (bank statements), provide identification documents in addition to her passport, and generally scrape knee. And, if you don't get it approved, there goes that plane ticket. There are no guarantees in the Schengen process.

She tried the French consulate since she has a cousin in Paris. While she did get it at the end of the day, it was a traumatic process in which she was pretty much harassed by the woman at the consulate. While everyone else was going through quickly with few questions (including several other Colombians), this woman asked Ms. Colombia badgering questions about every step. She even went to her supervisor on at least 3 different occassions to see if she could "allow" Ms. Colombia's documents - the supervisor of course said "Oui oui" and brushed her off for wasting his time. Then, after a lengthy session of harassment, the French woman begrudgingly agreed to issue the visa but told Ms. Colombia that if she did not stay at the hotel she booked, the consulate was going to put her on the blacklist, meaning that she wouldn't be able to get another EU tourist visa for 6 months. Last, and as a final insult, the French consulate only issued the visa for 2 months, when it's supposed to be a 3-month minimum visa. As if Ms. Colombia would want to go back after dealing with all that.

Ms. Colombia, to her credit, was much more reasonable in response than I was. She just accepts that she was born into a country that doesn't have as many advantages as other countries and this is what you have to do from time to time. But, I'm not so c'est la vie about it all. F*ck that. The French should be BEGGING foriegners to come visit. They NEED our dollars, pounds, pesos, etc. Instead, to cop an attitude about it all and act like it's a grand priveledge to visit France if we are lucky enough to be bestowed with the honor, well, they can piss off as far as I'm concerned. I will be visiting Paris and Nice at some point, but there's pretty much zero chance that Ms. Colombia will ever go back to France unless she's forced to for business. And I don't blame her. She works for a Fortune 500 company, for f*ck's sake. It's not like she's a criminal, looking for permanent residence, or trafficking drugs (ok, it's a pharmaceutical company, so maybe she is trafficking...). But, the French can't see past the ends of their long noses to realize that Ms. Colombia is exactly the kind of tourist they want visiting their country: not interested in staying and well financed.