Getting older

Well, it finally happened - the inevitable, the inescapable. I turned 30 yesterday. It's an interesting thing to turn 30. When you're younger, you have grandiose notions that when you're 30 you'll have many things in your life sorted out - spouse, house, and all that. And, by any objective evaluation, I pretty much have little, if anything sorted out. Still, unlike some people, I can't say I'm depressed about it. I mean, there are certainly things in my life that are completely dissatisfying, but turning 30 has not been a contributor to that dissatisfaction.

No, instead, turning 30 has marked a period of transition and reflection from within. I've spent the last couple weeks really partying hard. I've been dodging central issues for quite some time (months? years?) and I no longer have the interest to avoid asking myself the tough questions: Am I happy? What do I want in life? In a mate? Who am I?

I don't have answers to these questions, well, not complete answers, I should say. None of us do, really. But more important than having answers is the quest, the search for answers. And that's what I've been dodging; that's what I can no longer dodge. I'm actually pretty excited about this little mini-transition. I want to feel like I'm pursuing answers to the big questions that have always dogged me. This comes with the very stark realization that the lifestyle I have been leading is definitively not bringing me comfort and is directly contributing to an inner sense of dissatisfaction.

In some ways, my life is an oddity. For years, I felt like I had certain things sorted out, my life got upended unexpectedly, and I went about my business trying to put myself together in some capacity while obsessing about my career (or lack thereof). Now I've reached a point where I have enough confidence in myself and my chosen path that I really don't fret (much) about my career, I just know that I will be a success in whatever I chose. On the other hand, I have less confidence that I'm going to meet the right person and things are just going to happen. Well, that's not 100% accurate. I have less emotional confidence, my intellectual confidence suggests that I worry too much and I should just relax about the whole issue.

At any rate, after discussing this extensively with my best friend, thinking and writing about it extensively on my own, I've decided that this is time for me to focus on the self. I need to get my house in order. Thirty is a point of departure for me. I can no longer "live like a refugee". Unless, of course, living like a refugee was how I wanted to live. And that's the central point. It's time to start making more concrete choices about how I want to live and act on those ideas. Right now I feel like Neo when Trinity says, "You've been down that road, Neo. You know where it leads..."

Anyway, I'm not going to dwell on that much right now. It's just noteworthy that I've made a little transition away from destructive tendencies and back toward personal growth which is really what this whole venture across the pond is supposed to be about in the first place.

My celebratory night was eventful. We had class until 730, but hit the pub after. The good thing about having a birthday is you never buy any drinks. The bad thing about having a birthday is you never buy any drinks. The night started with a tequila shot and things went downhill from there. We eventually went to this club I kind of like called The Loop. It was packed. Today is a holiday in the UK, so last night was like Friday night except there was no cover charge. We danced for awhile and had a good time (it was a big group too - about 12 of us), but eventually I had to go home. My friend Justin took me home, but I'd sobered up enough at that point that I went to my neighbors for an hour. I love those guys. They slipped a birthday card into my room without my knowledge. Such nice people.

Today I'm taking it easy. I'm going to dinner with The Prototype later and maybe some drinks after, but it won't be a late night. That's part of the Contract With Stephen (hey - the GOP can have a contract with America, so I can have a Contract with Stephen!). I'm not going out till 5 am on a regular basis anymore. I will still go out to clubs from time to time because I like to get my dance on, but I'm not going totally nuts anymore. That's part of the lifestyle that's been taking an extensive physical toll on my wellbeing and must stop. Tomorrow I may have a house warming party to go to as well as a work event/party on Sunday. Aside from that, I plan to spend much of this weekend enjoying the relatively good weather and doing schoolwork. One week into the term and I have a ton to do already.