Thoughts

I think, and this is extremely tentative, but I think that I'm leaning toward returning to the States sooner rather than later. I have been thinking on this for quite some time and I keep coming back to one simple issue - I have no compelling reason to stay and I have every reason to return (family, friends, burritos).

I guess, ultimately, I'm different from a lot of Americans that come over here. They start, from day one, looking for any way to stay. It doesn't matter what their job is, they'll do anything because staying is the goal. One of my friends, for example, has just landed a job in admissions at a college here in London. It's not what he's really after with an MBA and an MA in management, but he's willing to sacrifice salary and his desired field (IT) for the opportunity to remain here in London. I'm happy for him, but that's not me. I'm not that person. There are only two things that could make me stay, a woman or a job, and right now I have neither.

I've lived horrible jobs. I've gone through the doldrums where you will do anything to deaden the pain of simply getting up the next day to go to a job you hate. I've sacrificed enjoyment on the alter of higher salaries. I'm not doing that again. Central to my pursuit of a MA in London was the ambition that I would never have to live that type of lifestyle again. Rich or poor, I just want to be happy with my work life, no matter where that work is located. We spend too much of our lives at work, doing things we can't stand or things that bore us to tears. It makes us miserable, deadens our weekly outlook, and leaves us with little more than dire cravings for the weekend. I don't want that again. Ever.

I know that every job has its ups and downs. I know this. But if you are at the least on the path that is right for you, a path that will lead somewhere tangible and positive, then you can deal with the day to day ups and downs. Sadly, most of us seem not to be on that path. Yet, it's critically important that we get on that path and stay on that path.

I guess, the goal of staying in London is akin to the goal of earning X amount of dollars. Both are diversionary from what's most important. People do things for strange reasons in this world. Instead of focusing on a profession, a hobby, or a passion for the sake of itself, they think "what is this going to get me?" That is error replication in its finest form. We need to live each and every day in the moment. We need to enjoy that which we have and not lament that which we do not or that which is illusive. In that end, I can't allow myself to be diverted by romantic visions of living in a foreign city unless that is the right thing for me to do.

I feel like I'm rambling right now (most likely yes). But these thoughts are flowing forth in a way that my paper that is due tomorrow is not. Stream of consciousness suggests that I'm close to the heart of what I want - it's stimulus-response, not long thought out feelings and emotions.

Anyway, my point is, I have a lot of reasons to return to the US, one of which, is that I'm tired of living a transient life. I want to set some roots somewhere and not feel like I'm two seconds away from bolting this life for another. I lived in DC for four years prior to moving to London and it rarely, if ever, felt like home. I understand now that without a stable career that is taking me places I want to go, where my passions lie, I'm not going to feel comfortable in any place.

I think back to when I was in Atlanta for undergrad. I was completely comfortable there. It was home. I was happy. For a time. But after I graduated and I started working in a career that just didn't do it for me, I got the itch. I knew I needed something else and when the opportunity came to move North, I jumped at it. Similarily, when my life crumbled into fine bits of powder in DC, I also knew that I needed something else. I knew, in my heart, that grad school was what I needed to do. There are many reasons for that, but one central one that I rarely discuss is that after years of working horrid jobs, doing a horrible job at said horrid jobs, my ego, my self-confidence, was shaken by what I saw as continual failure in the workforce. Yes, I could adequately perform the tasks given to me, but that was never enough for me, even if it was enough to get by, earn raises, and even promotions. See, what I lost along the way, and it took me a long time to realize, was that I have ambition. I don't want to be a mindless cog in some machine. I want to be a star in whatever capacity that I can find it. That doesn't mean that I have to be rich and famous (although I wouldn't say no to a little bling-bling), but I do have to put myself in situations where I can excel and meet the high expectations that I have for myself.

Graduate school, in some ways, was more about rehabilitating that ego, that self-confidence, than the actual credentials earned. I've worked damn hard at this program and my grades and what I've learned reflect that. But more than that, the hard work I've put in is evidence to myself that I can do whatever I set myself to do. It's an old cliché that always annoyed me. "Be like Mike," and things like that are total bollocks if you can't jump out of the gym, or what have you. But life, ultimately is about the pursuit of excellence in whatever you happen to be excellently interested in. I've sufficiently demonstrated to myself that no matter the pursuit in my chosen profession (whatever "international relations" is), I will succeed because I have the knowledge, passion, and compassion to succeed.

Sigh. This wasn't intended to be a pat on the back session. In fact, I've been quite moody the last couple days and this post is a product of that. I guess my point is, I want things to start happening. I don't want to be in limbo. "Will I stay or will I go now?" I don't want to live in shoddy environs with people that I barely know, not to mention like. I want to be in a comfortable place, doing what I love to do, knowing that I'm on the path that's right for me.

Life's a dodgy game. Paraphrasing, "Strange thing about the road is, once you put your feet on it, you never know where it might lead." Or, if you like, "two roads diverged and I took the less traveled one." (Yes, this is me brutalizing classic poetry for my own ends.) There is certainly something entirely uncomfortable in not knowing what is next on that road. At the same time I acknowledge that, I have to temper that uncomfortability with the realization that I can't allow the great unknown to cause me to prematurely jump back into a situation that is comfortable. Thus, my expression that my thoughts on all this are extremely tentative.

Really, if I had my drothers, I'd secure a TV camera, a contract, my best friend, and record a show called, "788 UNESCO World Heritage Sites," and keep going until we saw them all or we killed each other. But since that isn't forthcoming, instead I think I'll finish this post and head to bed.