Killer Bananas aka How to support terrorism and avoid penalties, A Master´s Thesis by Chiquita Banana

Colombian prosecutors are likely to make formal extradition requests for the Chiquita Banana executives involved in paying "protection" money to the AUC, a Colombian paramilitary organization. The company pled guilty yesterday to paying off the group known as the most violent and responsible for the most civilian massacres in the country´s history.

Court documents also revealed that Chiquita and it´s Colombian subsidiary smuggled 3,000 rifles on a banana boat into Colombia on the behalf of the AUC, weapons that were likely used to push out leftist "guerillas" and others.

While Chiquita executives involved have not been identified, court documents state that at least 10 people in the company were directly involved in the payoffs.

(The above was in the non-personal, semi-objective journalist voice. The following is in the rant like a stark raving lunatic voice - which I personally prefer.)

Damn straight.

They should rot in a Colombian jail. Damn scallywags. They get off with a fine of $25 mil. They ought to be jailed. We´ve jailed people for thinking about committing terrorism against the US and we slap these guys´wrists? These guys directly supported and contributed to the deaths of innocent civilians - poor farmers. I hope that Colombia carries through with the extradition process.

Oh, right, they´re only jailed if they fund Islamic terrorism, a nagging little voice in the back of my skull says. Silly me.

And here´s another thing I don´t get. If a corporation, as legally defined, has the legal status of a person, which person would be merely fined for funding terrorism? This case reveals one of the utter failings of the US corporate system. Large MNC´s literally get away with murder because there´s no way to put the corporation in jail. Thus, we grant corporations the legal status (priviledge) of a person, yet they avoid all responsibility for their transgressions. Sounds like the Bush administration.

Look, if we put away guys who funnel money to Islamic "charities" with links to terrorist organizations, surely we should do the same with profit-desperate corporate executives that pay off paramilitary organizations to ensure plump bananas arrive in US supermarkets on time. The only difference is that one group does it for ideology (Islam), the other for profit (Chiquita).

Wait, scratch that. There is only a difference in the type of ideology. We´re only making clever semantic distinctions sliced ever so finely when we say there is any difference between the two cases.

Hold on, scratch that. Those convicted of funding Islamic charities never connected directly with the terrorists. They gave money to a front organization that distributed the funds to the actual terrorist groups. Chiquita said, screw the front, we´re going right to the top. They deserve to rot in a hellish Colombian prison.

Bananas. They might not kill you. But they will kill anyone who opposes the mighty power of Chiquita.