Forgot the Punchline...

Yesterday's post was titled "Too Much Information" for a reason...and here it is. Real World, one who obviously lacks an inner voice of what is appropriate, not only told lots of personal (sexual) details about her time with her new man, but also even tried to show me the new unmentionables that she purchased to impress him. I had to put an end to that. I know that she doesn't understand why it's inappropriate to put all that business out there, but really, her understanding is not necessary. I don't want to know.

Interesting comments all round, re: Prototype. It may be a case of Prototype + wrong situation/time. I don't like the name Prototypical or any of the other suggestions because I think those designations would be premature and inaccurate. Allow me to explain.

She did call last night, as soon as she got out of work, and I did not answer because I legitimately did not hear her call. I was in the school pub for a pint before heading home and I missed it. When I saw her message, I took a few moments to consider what I should do. Part of me thought, let her stew. But I ultimately did not do that for four reasons:

1. We are friends. I'm not pining away for her or anything silly like that. In fact, I'd say I've completely given up the idea that we'll be anything more than friends, no matter how much I think and write about her.
2. I genuinely enjoy her company. She's the only person I've met over here that stimulates me intellectually every single time I see her, so I'm not going to toss that away because my feelings got a little hurt by the lack of clear intention. Sorry, I just think that would be immature.
3. "Being unavailable" as advertised would not work on this woman. Call it a gut feeling, but trying to play games is the last avenue to success in this case.
4. Not returning someone's phone call when you have plans is just plain rude.

Now, does she cause me consternation? Yes and no. Last night she was all over me. Now, she was pretty tipsy, so that's probably what it's all about. But it was pretty fun and I was living in the moment fully aware that I will probably never get what I want out of it. And that's the thing. Mentally and emotionally, I am not investing anything into this other than friendship. If we hook up or something develops from that, great. If not, that's ok. I already have my eye pointed elsewhere and I will not delay in seeking companionship from others should the opportunity arise (or be created by the likes of me).

The more I think about it, this statement is probably the most accurate:

"It sounds like she wants, from you, all of the accoutrements of a relationship (the hand holding, the kisses, the mental affection and knowledge that you are always available for her) without offering any reciprocity."

True or false, no matter. I am not a pushover. She's not getting a "relationship" unless she makes it happen. She's got to put more than a feather on the scales or I'm not going to give any part of me to the effort. I can see the bankruptcy that would lead to and I'm not one to settle for less.

At some point, if this keeps up, I shall just tell her exactly what is written above. Or, instead of confronting her about it, maybe I'll just make fun of her. I mean, I can be a sarcastic little bitch and that's just starting to surface in our friendship, so maybe one night I'll just take things a little bit too far. Who knows.

The point is, understanding the situation has clarified my mind and spirit - which is why I didn't want to discuss the situation with any of my friends here. I really have little more to say about it, at least until something changes.

Should I be bitter? Whether I should or should not be, I am not bitter. That would be a displacement of emotion. Think about it from her perspective. She meets a nice guy who she is attracted to and likes. But, she doesn't know if she's staying in the country or going, so after expressing interest, she tells him that she can't get too involved because of that factor. Then, she and said boy hook up a few times, nothing serious, and said boy thinks it's on. He jumps for it. But, to her, nothing has really changed, she still has all the issues in her head that "pump the brakes", and even though her attraction for said boy has grown and she finds it difficult to resist the emotion that she now feels, she's strong willed enough to make things go "slow".

In the end, I don't think she's been unreasonable. If I was in her situation, I might have done the exact same thing. But ultimately, I have to take responsibility for my role in this. To blame it all on her would be naive.

At any rate, I just had too much fun last night to really second guess anything. I expect nothing, I desire nothing...except a good time when I do see her.