Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Observations from the Front

So I had work today. Another blase kind of day. Work just isn't much fun. I'm well schooled in the Temp Rules, though, so I was able to stretch 4 hours worth of work over an 8 hour time frame. I also had my first opportunity to use Westlaw. I found it to be much like Lexis-Nexis. Of course, we were searching for a needle in a haystack that ultimately could not be found because either A. it does not exist or B. it's a fucking needle in a haystack. That being said, here are my observations from the day (I had to keep busy somehow):

1. Just once I want to say very loudly, at the top of my lungs even, to the guy next to me on the tube, in my best Jeffrey Lebowski voice: "DID YOU REMEMBER TO WEAR DEODERANT TODAY, SIR?"

2. The Daily Mail is little more than a rag to wipe your ass with. Today's headline: "New Evidence Proves: Single Life Has Nothing to Offer"

3. In the states they call them "hangovers". Over here they call them "mornings".

4. If Real World asks one more time, "Are you working tomorrow?" I might just go postal. How hard is it to remember: Wednesday, Thursday, and half day Friday. I am fatigued by explaining it to her on a daily basis.

5. Something you can't say to a German when they're eying your dinner quite eagerly: "Would you like a bite? You're eying my food like Germany eyed Poland."

6. I have the utmost, fundamental disrespect for The Missing Link. There's just something about naive ass fools who think their ramped up idealism (that is so detached from reality to be uneducated and crassly ignorant) is justified that bothers me to no end. Yesterday's comment from this particular braintrust: "When Fidel Castro dies, America is just going to invade and take over Cuba." Another day, another dinner conversation with someone who thinks they know something when they're too ignorant to realize they could never understand.

Is that too harsh? I don't care if it is. To me, she represents the worst that Europe (and the US too) has to offer: the type of person that has just enough knowledge to be able to talk about something, but is completely ignorant below the surface of the subject material, and is always judging the United States. Criticism of the US is fine and good, but don't just bash us for bashing sake. Check your silly willy ideology at the door and we'll have a discussion. Otherwise I'm going to scoff at you and treat you like the simpleton you are. There. I feel better now.

7. Sometimes I get tired of talking to people who are not native english speakers or have not been speaking english for long. I think it's just the continual process of making jokes and then having to spend 5 minutes explaining the joke, at which point, they may or may not get. That's why I love the Brits. Wonderful sense of humor, more proper english than us Yanks, and I've found them to be quick as a whip. Note to self: hang out with more Brits.

8. Hobbits get high -

A. They eat like 11 meals a day, a clear sign of the munchies.
B. They smoke constantly.
C. They never leave home and those that do are oddballs.
D. They care little for hygiene/grooming.
E. Merry and Pippen are clearly half-wits that seem just a little too giddy to be normal.
F. Saruman tells Gandalf in Fellowship: "Your love of the halflings leaf has clearly slowed your mind".

Add it all up and it's clear: Hobbiton is one stoner hippy community, which is why Gandalf loves hanging out there. He's a great stoner who just can't seem to stop smoking the South Farthing's best.

It's also my theory that the hobbits remain short because all that herb slows their development, stunts their growth.

9. I finally did it - I ran off a string of 10 consecutive good hair days. I can't tell you how much this means to me.

10. Who gets the pound if I had a sip?

2 Comments:

Blogger Snake Vargas said...

I get the pound... but I figured if I posted as myself you wouldn't drink just to spite me.

3:16 PM  
Blogger steve said...

Re: Hobbits

They engage in more than just MJ... Theres a whole chapter on Mushrooms in FOTr after which they end up in some magical forest land talking to some guy named Bombadil... hmmm....

12:57 AM  

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